The writing of this blog post has brought great upheaval to my home. My men all say that the various items below do not apply to them personally. They point their fingers and exclaim, “I don’t do that it’s (insert brother’s name,)” or, “It’s that son you bore me,” or, “Dad does that, not me.” And yet, I believe otherwise. I believe that these occurrences, or similar items, are universal in the man world. So ladies, let’s compare and commiserate. Do your men have the same inabilities as mine? Here’s my list.
- Men cannot shut a door quietly. In my house, when the male gender go into the bathroom, instead of gently turning the handle and shutting the door quietly, they carelessly grab the handle and pull, making a loud snapping sound. This occurs multiple times during the middle of the night, waking up every person from here to Saskatchewan. Click, click, click! I have also observed that when leaving the house, all things male do not know their own strength when shutting the front door. They invariably walk out, slam the front door, leaving everyone remaining in the house holding on for dear life as the windows rattle and the whole house shakes as if experiencing a 7.0 or greater earthquake.
- Men do not understand the meaning of the word “whisper.” Telling a man to whisper means telling him to yell softly. In our home “sssshhhh” has become one of the top ten words in the female vocabulary.
- Men do not understand the concept of “doing the laundry.” My men will scoop up a laundry basket, throw the clothes in the washing machine, put in some detergent, flip the dials, and then smile proudly while announcing, “I helped ya with the laundry little filly.” Yeah, right! But where are they when it comes to folding time? They have scurried off into some hidden from female view corner. What they don’t understand is that throwing clothes into a washing machine is easy. Anyone can dump a basket into a machine. “Doing the laundry” means folding, hanging up wrinkle free items, and ironing. Don’t see much of that happening in my house.
- Men do not understand the concept of putting a towel back onto a towel rack neatly. When I was first married I was so proud of my pretty new towels. They were pink with a little bit of lace around the edges. I dotingly placed them onto the rack in the bathroom, tucking them in gently here and there to make them look attractive. But a mere hour later my poor pathetic little towels had been carelessly thrown onto the rack in a big messy wad. I caressingly re-straightened them, hoping the offender would get the hint, but Noooooo! I have been straightening towels for almost twenty-five years now. And the primary offender has reproduced three other offenders.
- Men do not understand that a car is not a trash receptacle. Now I will be the first to admit that I am not the neatest person when it comes to my car. I have been known to leave items in the car for lengthy periods of time, and vacuuming my car is not a common occurrence. But I am nothing compared to a certain male member of my family. Consider a certain male’s car. Within the confines of that vehicle is every receipt that man has ever gotten since the car keys were first placed into his hand. I have found receipts from Wendy’s from 1997. And there are probably dried up French fries from that same year stuffed into the cracks of the seats. An abundance of other things have also accumulated, but I will spare you the horror or it all.
- Men have an unconquerable habit of forgetting to tell you when someone is coming over. Ding Dong! “Oh yeah honey, did I mention I invited 30 people over for dinner?” Ding Dong! “Uh Mom, I forgot to tell you that Mrs. Hackensack called when you were in the shower and wanted to know if you could host the women’s Bible Study at our house today and I said ‘yes.’” Ding Dong! “Oops! That must be Mr. and Mrs. Dorfman and their eight kids. Did I tell you they are spending the weekend with us?” Is it any wonder a wave of terror washes over me whenever I hear “Ding Dong?”
- Men, contrary to how long and hard they argue, are unable to distinguish between the colors blue and green (this is not related to the “Is the dress white and gold or black and blue?” thing that went viral on the internet recently.) Ask any man whether a shirt is blue or green and he will inevitably get the answer wrong. Women, on the other hand, not only can distinguish between blue and green, they can give you the exact shade of the blue or the green. We understand aqua, teal, and turquoise. We comprehend the differences between hunter, sage, and khaki. But to men, it is all one and the same.
- Men do not understand the concept of a hamper. The purpose of a hamper is to hold dirty clothing until there are enough articles of clothing to have full load for washing. Hampers are designed to keep rooms neat. But in my house hampers seem to be resting places or back drops for dirty clothes. This is because dirty clothing is always set on top of or beside the hamper, even if the hamper is empty. I keep asking them, “Is it so difficult to lift the lid and put the clothes inside?” But what I really don’t understand is the male who takes the trouble to hang a dirty, smelly shirt on a hanger rather than put it in the hamper. Really? That takes more effort. I’m clueless.
- Men always wait until the last minute to buy a gift for a special occasion. Ladies, you all know the truth in this. But let me share with you my experiences. Because the males of my household wait until the day prior to (or sometimes the day of) mother’s day, Christmas, or my birthday, there is a flurry of huddling together and whispering followed by a mad rush out the door. This is followed a few hours later with said males (and my daughter when she was little – she has since seen the light) returning to the house with poorly hidden bags from such elegant establishments as Staples, RiteAid, and my personal favorite, Dollar Tree. And the gifts? Let’s see…one year I was given about a dozen bath poofs (really, how many bath poufs does a person need?) Another year I was the recipient of eight plastic aprons. And let’s not forget the plastic flowers or the bag of Nestle Crunch bars. This is no joke. And there was an adult male supervising the juveniles.
- Men have no ability to resist bulk shopping at Costco or Sam’s Club. What is it about large sized merchandise clumped together that intrigues men? My experience with the bulk item siren song started when I was laid up in bed with a complicated pregnancy and my husband had to do the shopping. I have never seen so many bottles of hand soap or boxes of cereal in my life. The price of stock for Honey Bunches of Oats must have soared that week. I had soap and cereal stashed in every cabinet in my kitchen and every corner of my garage all because of the lure of bulk. And it took me (no lie!) three years to finally come to the end of the soap. My husband’s proud response? “See, you didn’t have to buy soap for three years!” Oi vey!
So what think ye ladies? Do your men have similar struggles? If yours differ I would love to hear about them in my comment section.