While doing research about football star Tim Tebow for a recent article about homeschool tiers, I discovered that there are a lot of girls out there who desperately want to marry Tim. I was thoroughly amazed by the number of females that claim that they are in love with Tim… even though they have never met him!! And their shark-like mothers are in on the chase too! So with that in mind, I would like to dedicate this post to all the young single girls and their mothers who are running after Tim. Dear ladies, may the odds be ever in your favor!
I realize that you receive gobs of emails from girls (or from their mothers) out to snag you for a husband. I think that is just terrible! Mostly because my daughter Sarah is a much better match for you than all of them put together. With that said, and before you dump this appeal into your spam, please consider my 10 reasons for thinking that you and my beautiful, talented, outgoing, fun, playful, compassionate, joyful, level headed, people loving daughter might be right for one another. (How was that for a plug?)
My first reason is teamwork. You obviously know about teamwork Tim, and my Sarah sings a killer “Star Spangled Banner.” You and Sarah could work the football circuit together! She can sing while you do your analyzing thing up in the press box. Just imagine the Super Bowl. The crowds rise to their feet, place their hands over their hearts and then the most angelic voice begins to sing the national anthem. Never has it been sung in such a sweet, heartfelt way and there is not a dry eye in the place. Then, suddenly, a masculine voice calls over the PA system (do they still call it a PA system?) “That’s my wife!” And of course, being the supportive, reciprocating wife that I know Sarah would be, she would raise the microphone to her lips and cry, “That’s my husband!”
What a beautiful public example of marriage the two of you could set! Kind of makes me want to cry!
My second reason for wanting you to marry Sarah is political commonality. Rumor has it, though unconfirmed, that you are a Republican (hard to imagine that a conservative homeschooler might be a Republican, isn’t it?) If that’s true, then I am happy to announce that Sarah is a Republican too! Republicans need to boost their numbers and the propagation of Republicans should be the number one goal of conservatives everywhere. It is therefore, Tim, your patriotic duty to marry my daughter and produce future Republicans. God bless America!
Reason number three is that my lovely Sarah needs more motivation to exercise. Sarah’s idea of exercise is walking to the pantry for a spoonful of Nutella (though she still has a gorgeous figure. Go figure.) But with you as her personal trainer Tim, Sarah could really get whipped into shape! And you never know, one day the two of you might even have your own exercise show to help tighten the American abs. Tim, once again it is your patriotic duty to marry my daughter. God bless America, again!
Another reason you two potential lovebirds should wed is all your trophies. I am certain that Sarah’s trophies from her years competing in homeschool speech and debate would look lovely sitting side by side with your football trophies. As a national speech champion, Sarah has boxes full of 1st place trophies, and all those plastic figures of Abraham Lincoln and podiums would be so complimentary on your family mantle beside your Heisman trophy.
Reason number five is that I hear you like board games and “Catch Phrase.” Yet again something you and Sarah have in common! Sarah is especially good at “Catch Phrase.” Whenever that ticking circular disk makes its appearance Sarah’s competitive side emerges and she goes into descriptive mode. Imagine the fun filled game nights you can share with friends and family as you and Sarah find ways to describe such objects and phrases as “rubber duckies,” and “God save the queen.”
Reason number six for my matchmaking is a bit more personal. You see, I’ve heard, or rather seen, or I mean read that you have published a book. Or maybe it was your mother. Well, somebody wrote something somewhere, whatever! The point is that you have connections and I really want to be a published author. But oddly enough, I can’t seem to get a publisher to publish my work. Although, I can’t imagine why. I’m funny, don’t you think?
Reason number seven is that you and Sarah share the same learning disability. Both of you have dyslexia! The sequence of our lovely alphabetic and numeric systems gets all out of whack in your brains. How romantic. And since dyslexia tends to be genetic, just think what interesting brains your kids would have! ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ will never be the same again!
Another reason I think it would be beneficial for you and Sarah to join in wedlock is that Sarah’s younger brother needs some mentoring. I’ve heard you have a soft spot in your heart for the underprivileged, and when it comes to football, Sarah’s younger brother is definitely underprivileged. He is the only person in our family that loves football. Poor deprived little fellow. He loves football so much that he talks tackles, sacks, and interceptions in his sleep. But, if you marry Sarah, Samuel can discuss defensive and offensive strategies, field goals and touchdowns, and kick-offs and turnovers to his heart’s content! Although, you had better like the San Diego Chargers or Samuel will object vehemently when the minister asks, ”if anyone has reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.”
An additional, yet very important reason for my wanting your union with Sarah, Tim, is that your union could very well destroy diminutiveness within our family. Since most of our family is on the small side we need some bigger and beefier genes in our gene pool. My side of the family is pretty average in regards to height, but my husband’s family members are kind of shrimpy. So if we could get some of your genes in the mix my grandchildren might just have a shot at not being picked last for basketball.
Finally, Tim dear, just look at the two of you side by side!
Yeehaaaa! Talk about adorableness!
Oh, wait, I just remembered, there is one other very important incentive for you to marry Sarah. If you marry Sarah you will have the added bonus of me for a mother-in-law! And I will probably be over at your house 24/7! Heck! I might even move in! That in itself should be motive enough to marry my little princess. So Tim, if after reading this your interest has been peaked you can always contact me at my blog. Just look for something with fins and it will probably be me.
Mother of the potential bride, also known as Jaws
P.S. Sarah does do pilates in addition to walking to the pantry for Nutella. Just thought you should know.
P.S. S. Just in case you’re wondering what you’d REALLY look like together, here’s the real thing. (And she’s even prettier in person.)
Note: A special thanks to my darling daughter for being such a good sport and allowing me to publically humiliate her, all for the sake of a few laughs on my blog. Sarah, you’re quite a gal! 🙂