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Once upon a time there were nine kingdoms ruled by nine queens. These queens were as different as different could be, and yet, all nine of them had one thing in common…

Their lives were filled with drama.

Some of the queens were good queens, and some of them were bad. Some of them were born dramatic, some of them achieved drama through lots and lots of practice, and some of them had drama thrust upon them. But whatever the cause, drama continually surrounded them.

The first queen’s name was Her Majesty the Queen of “Oh My Gosh, I can’t believe he just said that to me, also known as Queen Easily Offended. This queen took offense at everyone and everything. Every conversation and every situation was an opportunity for her to feel wronged.

If a barista spelled her name incorrectly on her iced, half caff, ristretto, venti, 4-pump, sugar free, Cinnamon, dolce soy skinny latte, she cried, “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe he wrote a “y” instead of an “I” at the end of my name!”

If a maiden showed up wearing the same “ Keep calm and worship me” T-shirt that she was wearing, she would exclaim, “Oh my gosh, I will die of embarrassment! I can’t believe she’s wearing the same T-shirt as me!”

If her teacher assigned a paper due the day after the premier of her favorite television show she hyperventilatingly gasped, “OMG, I can’t believe he expects me to miss “The Bachelor!”

Within her kingdom the song that her subjects continually serenaded her with – “Let it go! Let it go!”

 Queen number two was called Her Majesty the Queen of “Oh My Gosh, I almost died” also known as Queen Over-react.” She was sister to Queen Easily Offended.” This queen was convinced that everyone and everything in her realm was created to harm or kill her.

 When a man innocently walked behind her in the marketplace she exclaimed, “OMG, this maniac was walking behind me at the market and I was almost kidnapped!”

When the weather changed and it began to drizzle outside, she cried ,“OMG, it’s raining and my hair is going to get wet and I will die from pneumonia!”

When a car drove within 50 feet of the car she was driving on the royal highway, she gasped, “OMG, that car almost hit me and I almost crashed and died!”

The lyrics she was convinced everyone was singing about her? “One way, or another, I’m gonna find ya, I’m gonna get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya….”

Her Majesty the Queen of “You hurt my little feelers” also known as Queen “Whaaaa! Whaaaa!” was the third queen. Her little feelers got hurt by everything. The most active parts of her anatomy were her tear ducts.

Her little cry fests could be brought on my by a person failing to attach a smiley face to a text or not liking one of her posts on Facebook.

She could have a meltdown if she had a hair cut, (changing her entire look by cutting off a whole inch of her locks) and no one noticed.

Or life could fail to be worth living if the cashier at “Ye Olde Wal Mart” didn’t say, “Have a nice day” when ringing her up.

Her theme song? “Why you gotta be so mean?”

Queenie-poo number four was called Her Majesty the Queen of “Calm, cool and collected, until a little pressure mounts and I fall apart” frequently called Queen “There She Blows!” This queen was regal in her self-possession causing everyone to believe that there wasn’t a dramatic bone in her body. Until, that is, the pressure mounted, and then…KAPOWIE! She fell apart. The floodgates were opened and when they would close, nobody knew. Extra forces were called in to calm her down, but the task was long and arduous, as all her subjects kept telling her to…

“Shake it off, oh, oh, oh, shake it off!”

 Her Majesty the Queen of “Don’t you feel sorry for me?” also known as Queen Pity Party,” was the fifth queen and she was convinced that her life was harder than the life of any other person who had ever walked upon the earth. She played the “you just don’t know what I’ve been through” card at every social gathering she attended.

According to her she had the meanest parents (They wouldn’t let her spend more than six hours a day on social media.) She had the worst job (She had to stand for three hours straight in an air-conditioned mall handing out samples of chocolate.) And her 34th boyfriend just didn’t appreciate her (He only brought her long stemmed roses and her favorite imported chocolate twice a week!)

Her song? “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to!”

 Then there was the sixth queen, Her Majesty the Queen of “I must have all the attention all the time” also known as Queen “Incredibly Selfish.” She was the most despotic of all the queens. This venomous dictatress knowingly created drama in an attempt to gain attention and manipulate people and situations. She went to any length necessary to be the center of attention and adoration and to get her way.

When she witnessed the prince that she liked talking to another maiden she began to limp and pitifully say, “Oh my, I have twisted my ankle! Could you carry me in your big strong arms to the royal infirmary?”

When she visited her local eatery she insisted that she sit in the second booth on the right by the window with the shades tilted at a precise angle of 92, that only Jacques was allowed to be her waiter, that her iced tea have exactly four ice cubes, that her chicken nuggets be uniform in size, that her bread be gluten free, that her salad have extra dressing and that it be on the side, that her chocolate cake be exactly 3.2″ wide, that Jacques turn down the air conditioning and the music and somehow eliminate the noise in the kitchen. And after she had sent her plate back three times because it was too hot, then too cold, and never just right, she left a whopping tip of 32 cents because she was dissatisfied with the service!

This narcissistic queen could often be heard singing lyrics like “I decided long ago never to walk in anyone’s shadow,” and “learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all,” at all hours of the day or night.

Her Majesty the Queen of Martyrdom” also called “Queen sacrificial lamb” was the first of three good and benevolent queens. She derived personal satisfaction and a sense of pride in laying down her life for her kingdom. Taking everything upon her queenly shoulders, she serenely and with dignity exclaimed, “I’m Okay, I will persevere,” when facing persecution or trials. As her subjects looked on with awe and veneration she walked to the stake, head held high, a radiant aura emanating from her lofty brow, then allowed herself to be lit on fire, while she heroically sang

…“I would catch a grenade for you.”

 Her Majesty the Queen of “I must save the world” also called Queen “Savior complex,” was the second benevolent queen. (I know this queen quite well because she lives in my castle.) This Queen took on everyone’s problems. A costume, complete with cape and the “Super Woman” emblem hung next to her scepter in her closet, ready for use at a moment’s notice. Queen Savior Complex was known far and wide as someone to go to when a crisis occurred. And crises occurred continually! The moment a peasant or page entered her presence with a complaint of misuse, Her Majesty the Queen of “I must save the world” cast aside her crown, donned her superhero suit, and flew to the rescue, vanquishing every foe within reach of her trusty sword and making her realm once again safe for democratic serfdom.

Her theme song? “Here I come to save the day!”

The last of the benevolent queens was called Her Majesty the Queen of “Drama just seems to stick to me,” also known as Queen “Drama magnet” (In my castle she is one and the same with Her Majesty the Queen of “I Must Save the World.) This queen was not normally a firsthand creator or inciter of drama, but because she was so outgoing and involved in the lives of everyone around her, drama just seemed to find her. When she walked into a room it was as if all the little drama fairies squealed with delight in their high-pitched little voices saying, “She’s here, she’s here!” Then they would fly over and perch happily on her shoulders where they created as much mischief as was fairy-ly possible, singing merrily in her ear…

“I got you babe!”

So the drama queens continued to rule their respective kingdoms, causing upheaval, frustration, conflict, and at times, even all out wars.

But, I think we must conclude that as difficult as it can be living under the rule of a drama queen these royal pains in the patooties certainly add some lively entertainment, and at times, a whole lot of fun, to our usually dull existences, leaving me only to say…

God save the queens!

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