While holding on for dear life as one of my boys drove me over to Wal Mart to purchase a new iron, I asked my son why he had a sudden desire to accompany me on my shopping trip.
“Well mom,” he smiled proudly, “since I’m working this year and have a little money to spend on gifts I thought I’d buy you this iron as a Christmas present.”
I cast a sideways glance at my kind-hearted boy. Should I tell him the truth? Should I let him in on the secret that all sons, husbands, fathers, and other male entities should understand by the time they reach adulthood? I decided to go for it.
“Honey, I don’t want an iron for Christmas. In fact, I can’t imagine any woman on this planet wanting an iron for Christmas.”
Of course he was crestfallen, most men are when encountering truths about women, but for the sake of his future wife and daughters (not to mention greedy little me) it had to be said. So I explained to him the intricacies of the female mind, concentrating on our desire for fru fru gifts as opposed to items that are practical. Whether he really understood in the end is still questionable.
Over the years, I have heard rumors that some men are really good at selecting gifts for their wives and mothers, but personally, I think these men are rare. I believe that most men struggle to buy gifts for females. I have seen enough deer-in-the-headlights looks on the faces of men at Wal Mart on the day before Mother’s Day to convince me this is true. Men are good at choosing tools, car accessories, and anything techy, but when it comes to buying something that will make their women weep with joy, they fail. They just don’t seem to realize that most women do not want a gift that reminds them of unfinished tasks or housework, nor do they want to be guilted into starting any new projects because their men folk became entranced by some home improvement gizmo.
So, since I am a bit tired of receiving gifts that will end up being returned to Wal Mart or Home Depot, or used as a white elephant gift at a Christmas party next year, or packed in box in my garage, or left in the drop off area at Goodwill, I am giving my fellas some tips for shopping for the woman they love most in the world. Me! And perhaps you, dear female blog reader, would like to leave this list in a conspicuous location in your home for the male shoppers in your life.
My “Please Get It Right This Year!” Shopping Tips
- If it slices, dices, sifts, measures, separates an egg, keeps food fresh, takes the temperature of a turkey, dehydrates fruits and vegetables, or has any mention of George Foreman on the packaging, I don’t want it.
- If it promises to make clothes whiter and brighter, suck dirt out of the carpet, remove soap scum from showers, unplug a clogged drain, clean grout, or is green, coiled, and resuscitates plants, I don’t want it.
- If it can screw an object into the wall, saw an old tree into a stack of firewood, help me to change a tire on the freeway, requires clapping to be turned on or off, or has the words “Industrial Strength” anywhere on the label, I don’t want it.
- If it glows in the dark, tightens abs, removes unwanted hair or wrinkles, sprouts vegetation from a ceramic animal or a bust of Obama’s head, has any similarity to infomercial products such as Sauna Pants, Ginsu Knives, Snuggies, or the Rejuvinique Electric Facial Mask, I don’t want it.
- And if it can be purchased at Dollar Tree, The 99 Cent Store, Pep Boys, Staples, a mini-mart, or a hardware store, I don’t want it!
So men of mine, take this list with you when you venture into the throngs of stumped male shoppers. Think pretty, not functional. Think fun, not practical. And remember that mom is not just a cook, maid, or schoolteacher, but also a female who enjoys items that are feminine, lovely, enjoyable, and maybe not even…cheap!
Thanks for listening and fellas…I really do love ya!