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It is my birthday today. I am 59.  It is hard to believe that I have managed to stay alive for almost 60 years, because even though you may not think it to look at me, I have lived a wild and dangerous life.

No, I don’t skydive or ride a Harley, and I’ve never gone swimming with sharks or running with the bulls in Spain. Yet, everyday I take my life in my hands. And on this, the 16th of June 2017, in honor of my 59 years of living, I have decided to confess my wild, devil may care ways, to you my dear readers. Prepare to be shocked!

Here goes…(takes deep breath and blows it out)

FOR A WHOPPING 59 YEARS I HAVE WILLINGLY INGESTED THE FOLLOWING TOXINS WHICH ACCORDING TO “EXPERTS” CAN KILL ME:

Tap water – sometimes even fluoridated tap water

Coke, Pepsi, Mountain Dew, A&W Root Beer, Dr. Pepper and other carbonated beverages

Gluten (in abundance!)

Sugar (in even more abundance!)

Calorie free sweeteners (because I ate an abundance of gluten and sugar)

Non-organic foods

Every dairy product known to man – ice cream, froyo, pudding, cheese, butter, sour cream, and, of course, cheesecake!

Foods high in saturated fat – pizza, tacos, cheeseburgers, french fries, potato chips, Cheetos, bacon, and, of course, cheesecake! (cheesecake crosses multiple categories of bad)

Nitrate filled Deli meats and, of course, bacon (bacon, like cheesecake, crosses multiple categories of bad)

Milk Chocolate instead of dark chocolate – I have no interest in antioxidants when it comes to my chocolate

Processed foods – I am confidant I alone am responsible for Nabisco, Kelloggs, Nestle, Sara Lee, and Little Debbie being the multi-million dollar corporations they are today

Foods with additives, preservatives, and food coloring

Microwave popcorn – I defy perfluoroalkyls!

Blackened, grilled foods – I defy carcinogens!

Cake mixes that have have expired – I’m talkin years here!

Food cooked in teflon coated pans

Food and drink from plastic bottles and other plastic containers (I even use plastic containers to heat food in the microwave!)

Pasteurized milk  (Louis Pasteur is my hero!)

GMO’s (the bigger the better!)

Eggs from chickens raised in cages

Meat from cows that were not grass fed

Meat that is rare

Cookie dough and cake batter that contain raw eggs ( been doing this one since I was about 3 and lo and behold, I’m still here!)

Antibiotics, Vicodin, and other medically prescribed drugs 

3 Ibuprofen tablets AT ONE TIME – sometimes I even repeat these wild dosages by taking 3 more BEFORE the prescribed 4-6 hours have passed

Children’s gummy vitamins, more than prescribed on the label because, HEY! They’re gummies!

BUT MY INSANE LIFESTYLE CHOICES DO NOT STOP WITH INGESTED ITEMS. OH NO! I HAVE TAKEN MY RECKLESS, EXPERT DEFYING WAYS EVEN FURTHER! READ ON AND BE EVEN MORE SHOCKED!

I HAVE…

Been vaccinated and had all my children vaccinated – and SHOCKER! No autism in any of us!

Had multiple root canals and metal based fillings

Used shampoo, lotions, antiperspirants, deodorants, and cosmetics without even once looking at the label to see what was in them

Fed my kids good old Gerber’s baby food rather than pureeing organic food – and they’re still alive too!

Never touched an essential oil

Lost 20+ pounds without drinking Plexus (but I did drink diet soda!)

Given birth to all my kids in a hospital rather than at home

Chosen to have an epidural for 3 out of the 4 deliveries of my children (I would have had an epidural for all four, but a nurse convinced me that labor with child #3 would go more quickly if I sucked it up and didn’t have the epidural. SHE LIED! And she’d better watch out if I find her!)

Never visited a chiropractor in my entire life – nobody’s crackin my neck and spine!

Regularly frequented establishments such as Taco bell, Jack in the Box, KFC, In and Out, Little Caesar’s, and Der Wienerschnitzel – I’ve also probably been solely responsible for making these establishments multi-million dollar corporations

 

IN ADDITION, I DEFY THOSE “EXPERTS EVEN FURTHER BY REGULARLY…

Standing directly in front of the microwave when heating my food

Talking on my cell phone when it is PLUGGED IN!

Using bleach on my hair – highlights are definitely worth the risk!

Using a plastic shower curtain – I like my toxins in the shower too!

Using conventional cleaning products such as bleach and ammonia – not at the same time of course – I’m not that crazy!

Using bug spray (even in my kitchen) to kill bugs

Using old fashioned incandescent light bulbs rather than those dim, worthless, spiral CFL thingymabobs

Following the recommendations of licensed medical doctors rather than the advice from my sister’s neighbor’s cousin’s Aunt Matilda who tried the latest health food trend and swears she was cured of liver failure, warts, ringworm, mad cow disease, the plague, and every ailment known to man!

 

To top it all off, I have one additional confession. Despite all the toxins that by now must be coursing maniacally through my veins and permeating my every cell, I have never detoxed in my life! Nope, not once! It’s all still swimming around inside me!

I hope I haven’t shocked you too greatly. I know that such horrific revelations from your favorite blogger must be difficult to bear, but I needed to get this off my chest.

There. I feel better.

Must be all that sugar, gluten, lactose, fluoride, aspartame, nitrate, and carcinogens kicking in.

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Viva la toxins!

Marty
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